I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
