We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
