Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
