The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
