You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
