i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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