you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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