Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
