No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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