I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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