apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
