my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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