the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
