Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
