I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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