I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
