I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I party with great urgency now.
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