he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
