i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
