i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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