Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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