mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
