I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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