Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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