Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
They have beer where we have blood.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
