My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
