What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize