So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Who died my cat blue again?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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