that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
