i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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