So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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