hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Randomize
