my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
