some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
