A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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