tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
