i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
