i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
