You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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