I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
