Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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