Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
