If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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