I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
