I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
