I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
