all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
