According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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