On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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