i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
