btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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