So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
