Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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