Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
