The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
