chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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