I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
