When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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