hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The best revenge is premature balding
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was like giving head to a cactus.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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