My nipple is on Facebook.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
