I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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