The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
