And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
