Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
