He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
