I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
